bannu's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- bye bye bye bye bye............ Bye bye Diaryland. 11:02 p.m. - 2008-08-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Snow Aww.. I love nights. Raindrops are delicious. Danger is fun. Feel blessed when I feel cold. Ask them not to be so harsh on a girls face, those raindrops hurt. Rain does so many things to me. It's super cool. I can't wait to find out what the snow can do to me. Somebody bring me the snow! No, I will go find snow. I will. 9:57 p.m. - 2008-08-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It hurts I have a terrible ache in my stomach. Terrible to the core. 11:18 p.m. - 2008-08-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crappy crap crapp no more I won't take crap anymore. I never take crap. I don't know why I have been taking shitty crap from him. No more. No more. 11:15 a.m. - 2008-08-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Over You know it when it is truly over. You just know it. And I know it is over now. Here, as I sit in this cafe, I can feel it inside me. It's over. Those feelings for him have just died. But that does not mean he won't be my friend anymore or I won't like him as a friend. He still is my best friend and he always will remain. My side of the friendship will always remain and he now is nothing more than a good friend. Nothing more. Nothing more than that. That isn't any less though. But love is history now. No more thoughts of his kisses or a future with him. It truly is over. I know it. 11:12 a.m. - 2008-08-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rabbi Rabbi sings. Truly sings. 10:27 p.m. - 2008-08-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Not gone yet. Its happening, slow and steady. I am detaching myself from him. The detachment is much needed for both the parties and almost a clinical good for me. Detaching but not gone yet. Not gone. 10:24 p.m. - 2008-08-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scary The are scary. These people who should have been anything but journalists. I hope I succeed in staying away form them. Distance is the most important thing I need to maintain with them. 10:19 p.m. - 2008-08-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :(? :)? I have so many things to write. So many things bottled inside me. Where do I start from? I'd better listen to some Nickelback now and let things be. :( .. :) Whatever! :( :) :( :) 11:44 p.m. - 2008-08-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I love him. Very much. 9:11 p.m. - 2008-08-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Happy Friendship Day (lol) I can't stay away from you for long diaryland. I can't stop writing. Friendship day it was yesterday. I am glad I could talk to most of my good friends, though I couldn't talk to Zubair and Chanmayo is still missing. There must be many other nice friends with whom I spent good time and I don't remember them anymore. No regrets. The woman at my previous office is unbelievable. I don't want to think of her anymore. The girls at the coaching class are sweet, Aruna is sweeter. But I know none of them are going to be there for long. Nothing remains for long. Nothing. Maybe marriages do, I want to believe marriages do, or atleast mine will. It's probably the best gift I could ever give him. I tried something and it came out so well! The gulab jamuns were good. I knew he would have nothing for me, but I never cared about that. I am used to giving by now, giving without expecting anything in return. I am not talking about gifts. Good time but this won't last long too. I don't know why. I loved those attacks, they were so much fun! Great day. 9:23 a.m. - 2008-08-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Will Things won't change for sometime. This time will pass, for me and my best friend. Things will pass and there will be better days. 9:00 a.m. - 2008-08-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What happened? I don't know what happened. I don't know how it happened. But it's true. It happened. I will not hate myself for this. 11:41 a.m. - 2008-07-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Happy... Just the way I like it. Great book, coffee, muffin, lots of people around, a good conversation with a stranger, and great rain. It was beautiful to get all drenched. Amazingly beautiful. I am proud of myself, I am following his suggestion seriously. I am successfully controlling my temperament that has always bordered on hyperactivity. 9:34 p.m. - 2008-07-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shut up That's probably the best advice I ever got. I always knew it. But I had to hear it from someone. Had to get it from someone. I am glad I got it from him. Thanks. I seriously need to shut up. Seriously shut up and let things fall in place. 3:29 p.m. - 2008-07-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I can't I taped all you post cards to my wall. Will be interested to read your
11:38 a.m. - 2008-07-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- No No dreams, no depression. 2:58 p.m. - 2008-07-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yes Life's always better with no love than fake love. Fake love hurts, no love is just bad stars. 2:55 p.m. - 2008-07-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Love you best friends. "Everybody's friend is nobody's friend" My best friends are everybody's friend - books and music. 10:15 p.m. - 2008-07-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's happening? Everything changes so drastically. Lol, I can only laugh at things happening with me. One moment I cry, the next I laugh. This is making me wiser though. I realise many things, I learn many things. Though not the best way to learn these things, ther are all well taught, and for the pain I am going through, I don't think I will ever forget these lessons. I am growing up! 10:05 p.m. - 2008-07-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ??? Im lost. I sure am. Who's helping me? Where are you? 12:11 a.m. - 2008-07-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ?? They are all gone.. the cold and lone bench, falling autumn leaves, heavy rains, bridges, city bustle, roadside bistros, a rugged diary, a book, a happy heart. They are all gone. What plans have you for me God? Why are you so stubborn God? 12:07 a.m. - 2008-07-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ? He breaks my heart with the things he says. He breaks my heart. 12:04 a.m. - 2008-07-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gone mad.. er.. strong. I am strong. Very strong. Stronger than ever. You may fuck yourselves fellows, I am strong. 9:09 a.m. - 2008-07-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hello Moto Woala Life!!!!!!!!!! I love it when things are easy and are the way I want them. Sakshi was so damn easy. Broadcast! lol, gruellingly exciting times ahead! New people, new places, new stuff!!!! Lol.. I am excited about being so close to City Centre.. Lol!! 6:32 p.m. - 2008-07-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thats all I am very tired... hell tired. I must get some sleep tonight. Good sleep. Love you Bunns. Basir is coming tomorrow. I want my certificate. I am mad at him. 10:41 p.m. - 2008-07-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wimble I love Wimbledon nights, they are totally my nights. I just am so glad to be alive from one Wimbledon to another. Lol. This truly is best time. 7:12 p.m. - 2008-07-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nobody... "Nobody cares for me... there's no one for me." I am here for you. But you don't want me. 11:36 a.m. - 2008-07-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Who? God, if it's my fault, show me the way. If it's his fault, show him the way. But please let us realise who's right and who's notand why. Please. 9:57 p.m. - 2008-07-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Christ, I won!! I knew it would happen to me. It takes a lot of guts for someone with this sort of a thing to dare sleep. I did. I dared. I was tired, hell tired but nothing convinces me to take an afternoon nap. Afternoon naps kill me. But I was convinced today. I had to sleep. I woke up and the obvious, I was broken, shattered, damn depressed, dejected to the deepest depths... I was miserable, helpless and in bits. I was dying to call him... was dying to dial his number. But I did not!!!!!!!!! I overcame it. It was pain.. a lot of pain... but I overcame it. I did not call him!!!! I am glad I did not call him and did not give him the chance to make me feel like dirty scum, an unwanted bitch. Fuck me! I won! Lol. I love myself. 5:21 p.m. - 2008-07-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Y? "Low maintenance, low service..." Why does this thing keep coming back to my mind.. again and again? 11:31 a.m. - 2008-07-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Things are just fine... I like the way things are going. He showed me a glimpse of the kid he was when things were fine, it's nice to see the kid. Things are going just fine. But I wish he had not ended a call with "I just feel nothing anymore." But then he called back sometime later... he does feel something if not nothing.. I am happy about the something. I am happy letting him be him. I am happy he is still there. I wish I have coffee with him today. I will be going to Crossword around 3 and be there till 5. I will be in his favourite 'university dress,' as he calls it. I will wear his favourite perfume. I will let my hair loose for him. I will be there, wait for him. 12:25 p.m. - 2008-07-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kelly Borski. This guy loves you. Read many entries of youarethesun. Kelly Borski, I wish you marry this guy. Last entry from youarethesun.... I was thinking about things. How right when you got back from Guatemala everything was so fucked up. Emotions were wild and I was being so upset. "Sometimes it feels like the world's on my shoulders, everyone's leaning on me. Cause sometimes it feels like the world's almost over, but then you come back to me." It's like you are the only person in this world who gets me. You are the greatest friend I have ever had. I feel completely lost when you're gone. I feel heavy and empty at the same time. I am angry and sad, I can't think things through clearly. I can't function in society. But the second I see you, feel you, hear you... it all goes away. Happiness rushes my entire body, a wave of relief. "Some days I sit staring out the window, watching this world pass me by. Sometimes I think there's nothing to live for, I almost break down and cry. I love you so much. I want you to know I'm real sorry for letting my emotions get the best of me sometimes. I am always here for you. I am here to be the great friend to you that you've been to me. I want to be the one to relieve you and make you happy. 12:22 p.m. - 2008-07-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pappppppppppaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are the sweetest pappa dearest. Thank you Pappa for transforming my day from super sad to super happy. You just brightened my day, you brighten up everything in my life Pappa... Love you more than words can ever say. Please be this way... forever and always. 12:14 p.m. - 2008-07-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Same to same Everyday is a new beginning indeed, but it's back to the same story again, every night. LOL. 10:31 p.m. - 2008-07-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Marianne Trench's punctured Lol... feels like my heart is a huge ocean and there is now a hole at the bottom of it, at its deepest point, Marianne Trench! and the water is going down the hole and it is hurting... terribly, all this water rushing into the hole, into nowhere... like all this water I was so proud of, this water that filled me is now leaving me... disappearing and very soon, I will be empty, and DRY.... depressed. That's exactly how I feel... right now. Lol. Don't worry Bannu, you will be fine... you should be.... it's only one bloody life!!!!!!!! :) 10:01 p.m. - 2008-07-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When will this stop!! How can she do it.. how can she say things so nasty. How can she yell at me... how can she be so rude, so mean, so unfair, how can she say things so terrible... Christ, things are getting so weird with me. The people who I think will always be there for me are the nastiest to me. I rubbished it off each time he warned me of her. He was right. NOW, I wouldn't be surprised if she sells me off for a penny. I am feeling miserable... I blame it on him. I got used to seeing the unfair things she does, I got used to complaining about her and today he is not there to listen to me, to know how she just behaved with me. That's okay. I refuse to be lonely. Sapna, there's no way I am treating you the same way. Lol, friendship! You are a disappointment... Another petal has fallen. 12:59 p.m. - 2008-07-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To Bannu darling honey... Bannu darling, see to it that you don't, even by accident or impulse or emotion, treat people the way they treat and hurt you. Be the way you want them to be... you reap as you sow. Sow happiness and love, you will reap them Bannu sweetie.... When you have no one writing letters to you calling you darling, sweetie, honey, you write them to yourself Bannnnnu... gaslet may win. oh chrit, im sleep agan. u should go sleep.i maen the bill paid iood night. 1:20 a.m. - 2008-07-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mon Cher calling... He called!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of all things I read in The Last Lecture, I remember two best. "Some of God's blessings come by shattering all windows." That should be true. And "See what he does for you than what he says," an advice Randy reserves for Chloe and shares it with the women of the world. I was reminded of it when with him on Saturday. He was mean in not listening to me, he was mean in not talking to me. But words aside, I could feel something in the things he did. "Im going to Brand Factory, want to come along?" "Getting a sandwich, want to have some?" "As it suits you" and hurries away... I don't know if not getting into his car could have upset him... I did not want to try. "I want to have it somewhere else." He PROBABLY wanted to be with me for a little while longer. I was not sure about it but then, am I not born with a mind unbelievably positive? I only don't understand one thing... why treat me like that? I have never been treated like that, like I don't exist, ignored like scum, I don't understand why I let him do it to me, I ask for it. I seriously don't understand. But I am sure I don't deserve that treatment... I am not scum. Am I? Anyway, I almost am used to it now. And he called!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tonight!!!!!!!!!! I like him but I don't want to make him feel like I am a woman with a weak heart who does not learn to leave people alone... or even leave them when they want her to leave them, once and for all. I must sleep now. Moma, Pappa, Ferru and my family. I love you all :) 1:16 a.m. - 2008-07-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :) A carton of my favourite pomegranate juice, my lappie on my lap, Wimbledon.. centre court, live on TV and the house to myself, only myself! Life's a piece of cake. This is bliss! 11:36 p.m. - 2008-06-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Not hopeless anymore It's been a month since I said "I am slightly busy right now, will call you later," to some of the very best people in my life. Friends from school, college, aunts who love me... that's just not my kinds. And Paritharsh scraps me every day saying he is waiting for my call. I have not called some people in ages and I have missed their calls each time they called. I could level it all today and I feel great. I value people in my life. They are all there for a reason. The evening was so cool. A coffee evening. And Feroze has made a coffee drinker of himself, that's so sweet. Lol. 11:20 p.m. - 2008-06-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A lost pup Main kyaki aaram se mera kaam, mere coffee, Sapna ke saath jee lete rhayim na, kaiku merku idhar udhar leko gaye. Kaiku merku princess ke sarka feel karwaye. Kaiku merku tumhari adat dalwaye. Mera jeena kyaki main jeete rhayim na, waisaich jeene dena thana. I was depressed, lekin woh depression ye depression se better tha na. You should never adopt a lost pup when you know you would be abandoning it very soon. 3:05 p.m. - 2008-06-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :( :( To really love a woman When you love a woman you tell her To really love a woman When you love a woman You got to give her some faith - hold her tight Then when you find yourself lyin' helpless in her arms Just tell me have you ever really, 2:48 p.m. - 2008-06-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :( My hair smells of cigarettes. I don't want to wash it. Somebody smelt of cigarettes once when I kissed him. God, it's so hard to ignore .... 2:43 p.m. - 2008-06-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yo! My body is aching and I love it. I love this pain. I love the terribly ache in my calves. I love the energy I had in me last night. And I love the reinvogoration I felt after stepping out of the dance zone. I revelled in the true sense of the word. I wasn't all that carefree and cheerful yesterday. I tried to be. And I was cheating myself on psuedo happiness on the dance floor, and after sometime, the psuedo almost got real. It was after the call. I called him and he was like 'fuck off' kinds. And I decided I will be happy without this guy. He is missing out on something. Who gets to see me dance like that! And there were 5 other people wanting me to be happy. I wanted to be happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But how could anyone be so mean to me? I always thought I was a nice soul. I worked hard on being a nice soul. :( :( :( :( :( :( :( I don't want to meet anymore masculine homo sapiens. I just don't want to meet any more guys....... Stay away!!!! Not a Lesbo yet, but if this is how guys are, I will have no choice ;P Missing Wimbledon bitch me. I will dance every day from now on. 8:39 a.m. - 2008-06-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A night to remember Boy, I was so sleepy yesterday. What a night it was!!!! I don't know where to start from. Abid bhaijaan is so much fun! This is the best get-together my family has ever had and it was only we kids, no adults!! Tht made it so much fun! I missed all those who were not there, Hannu, Sabi, Mustaq Bhai and Jinni, but even then, it was just too great. This night has taught me few things I will always remember. Funny, we had mocktails but Minu and Abid are just too much there, lol. Both had hard drinks and even before I realised, I was gulping down Vodka!! And was that me on the dance floor!! Lol. I danced like no one was looking at me and I have this terrible pain in my calves!!!!!!!!!! Wow!!!!!!!!!! It was a beautiful night. And it was my family I was with. Lol, it got so funny at a point. The Dj played Sexy Back and I was dancing with Muneer bhai!! Lol. And Feroze, gosh, he is so cool! This thing definitely brought us together by an inch! Lol. I never knew I dance so well. I mean, so well. Lol!!! I love my family, I love you Libbu, Minu, Abid bhaijaan, Muneer bhai and Feroze sweetheart!! This thing just bound us all together, it was us who ruled Zouk last night. The dance floor was largely ours! God it was such an experience. I understand it when dad says that's the first and the last time to a pub. Okay! But Zarin aunty, you rock too ya. And I so love you too. If it weren't for Zarin Aunty and Deen uncle.. it would have been impossible. There was one person I missed on every moment. One person I wanted to dance with. One person I wanted to have fun with. One person I wanted to jump with. One person I wanted to laugh with. And that person just disappeared from my life. From "I can't stop talking to you" to indirectly letting me know that my calls are the last thing he wants to see... everything has changed and I don't even know what my fault is. I wish he never made me feel so loved. I wish he wasn't so good at faking things up. A s much as I wish to think he really loved me, it is impossible for someone who loves to just ignore a person like that and all for what... for not giving you what you want? 7:40 a.m. - 2008-06-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You did take me for granted.... but that's okay I only said it in jest and he got offended. But is it not true tht he did take me for granted? He does not see it only because he does not want to. He had made his mind up even without asking me that we would be staying in the same room on our trip to Pondicherry and he convinced me into it. I don't regret it and I am not complaining. But had he not made his mind up about staying in one single room without once asking me? Had he not nodded his head when I first, for the first time told him we should stay in seperate rooms? I love his head nods but isn't that taking me for granted? He always sulked and gave a damn to my requests, pleading and begging to talk. He just wouldn't talk, not even if I begged him. Isn't that taking me for granted? He probably does it because he knows I will take it. I spent a terrible night, crying, feeling left alone even with he on the same bed and he did not even care to pacify me. He had a nice sleep and snored away to glory only to spend the next morning kissing and hugging. Isn't that taking me for granted? The truth is, whether by accident or by purpose, whether consciously or otherwise, he did take me granted. Maybe he does not want to believe he did, but he had. I don't mind any of those, but getting hyper over something said in jest which is partly true, is unfair. 1:02 a.m. - 2008-06-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Always swinging... He can't handle his own moodswings... has he never thought of how I am left to handle them? He atleast is not a stranger to them, I have never seen anything of this sort before but I still understand and will be by him on every swing of his mood. 12:59 a.m. - 2008-06-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Happy Birthday Saira I just spoke to her. "You never missed me when I was around. You miss me now?" I understand why you said that Saira. I understand the bitterness. I will let you be bitter, I will let you think I never cared for you. It's okay if you never know how much I care for you, but I want you to know, I am there for you. And I always will be. I hope my call has brought some cheer to you. Love you. Love you too Libbu, no matter how condescending and complex I think you are. You are one of your own and you are my cousin, will be there for you too, though you may never ever need me. All the very best. Good luck for your yoga club, hope you differ from your mom in giving discounts to members of the family. Lol. (I don't stop being nasty!! Bitch me. Lol.) 5:42 p.m. - 2008-06-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Happy Birthday Saira I just spoke to her. "You never missed me when I was around. You miss me now?" I understand why you said that Saira. I understand the bitterness. I will let you be bitter, I will let you think I never cared for you. It's okay if you never know how much I care for you, but I want you to know, I am there for you. And I always will be. I hope my call has brought some cheer to you. Love you. Love you too Libbu, no matter how condescending and complex I think you are. You are one of your own and you are my cousin, will be there for you too, though you may never ever need me. All the very best. Good luck for your yoga club, hope you differ from your mom in giving discounts to members of the family. Lol. (I don't stop being nasty!! Bitch me. Lol.) 5:42 p.m. - 2008-06-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Strange Ahhhhh...grrrrr.. So many things to write. Where do I start from. First of all, I am looking great in this dress. Lol, that's slightly unbelievable, but that's how I feel, great. This is why one should listen to parents once in a while. Happy birthday Libbu. Its amazing how she celebrates all her birthdays. She wants everyone to be with her on her birthday, but it's a different story when it is not her birthday, she wouldn't even care to say 'hello.' What kind of a celebration is it? You want people to be there for you and shower love on you on your birthday and make you feel loved and you don't give them a damn after that. Anyways, who am I to judge what she wants. I can't help but think of Saira. The entire family, including Saira's own family is celebrating the birthday of one of the girls in the family, while the other who incidentally shares the same birth date, is struggling to make ends meet. What kind of a family do I belong to. Must call Saira tonight. 4:40 p.m. - 2008-06-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mud on me You kissed!!!! Thank you. Your kisses felt great... soft, lovely and delicious and though the first drop wasn't on the forehead, you sent me lots of them... all cold, just as I wanted them. Each one of those drops that fell on my face gave me enough reason to smile. Each one. You did not send a shudder through me though, you were so sweet and so soft. But I did have my share of shock that came with a splash of mud all over me. I surprisingly wasn't mad over the guy who splashed it over me with his car. I am okay with it. It's not always that you get mud splashed on you. ALL over you. It was good in a way, I had a more enjoyable bath ;) 11:16 p.m. - 2008-06-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kill me This is too painful, I am unable to take it. Why don't I kill myself, for once. 2:45 p.m. - 2008-06-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Should I be gone already? In these eyes I never wanna be with out you I did not really think it would end so soon. I thought it would last atleast... at the least......... a lifetime.... 11:53 a.m. - 2008-06-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kiss me. Kiss me. I want rain drops to kiss my face today. I want lots of kisses. Lots. I want the first one on my forehead. It always makes me feel loved and blessed. A large one on my forehead. Keep it cold. Send a shudder through me. Surprise me. Kiss me. Don't hurt me. 7:19 a.m. - 2008-06-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- No more petals You handed me roses, It's not worth it to trust people. Never. I so badly want a hug right now...... I called him, only because I spent the entire day, every minute of it, hoping he would call. Every ring on the phone disappointed me 'coz none was from him. He hung up on me. ~The last petal has fallen~ 7:08 a.m. - 2008-06-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cheap I hate to think so, but this is how I feel right now. He is trying to get rid of me. And great tries. He has got rid of me now. I am gone. Amazing. I don't know if I am looking at it in the right way, but this sure is one way of looking at it, this is what he shows me. He knows I am not good for him and he is not getting things he wants, and hence, he ended it all. I cared for him even before I realised I love him so much. I couldn't help but stay up all night for news from him and he wasn't even my boyfriend then. I don't have to give any damned one any damn explanation. I know how I was, I know how much I care for him. My God knows how much I do. And that's all that matters to me. I am not sorry. I don't bloody have to be. It's just one word that keeps hammering my mind. It hammers hard. IT YELLS.... TIMEPASS. What NONSENSE. I'd rather done better things. I can't believe I love a guy who calls my love only timepass, when I have not let my brain think his love could only be lust. TIMEPASS, that's the cheapest, grossest thing anyone has ever said to me. Sickening. Move on. I have better things to do in life than convince him that I truly loved him. 6:53 a.m. - 2008-06-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shouldn't sleep He called! He still loves me! And he can't wait to see me! Woke up with a smile. Checked my phone. Bloody dream once again. Maybe 5 hours of sleep is too much for me. I shouldn't sleep so much, I hate these dreams, they don't help me a bit. I must give my mind no chance to dream. I must sleep, get a deep sleep for few hours and that should be it. No dreams. Please. I hate them now. I hate last night's dream, only because it's not true. What good are dreams when you know they will not come true. This one won't. Because he won't call. He is trying to get rid of me. 6:46 a.m. - 2008-06-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Things to do/ buy I have been postponing so many things. What a loser. Things to do asap. 1) Reply to all those nice e-mails in my box. 2) Mail those postcards. 3) Rearrange my cupboard. 4) Download new songs 5) Read a new book in three days. 6) Make financial arrangements for Hussain. 7) Go out with Santi. 8) Get a pedicure. 9) Do my lessons. 10) Renew my Tibetan volunteer membership. 11) Meet Sonam. 12) Go to Jehangir Pir dargah. 13) Get lost for a day atleast. Incommunicado. 14) Bake a cake. (But for who???) (GIVE THIS A MISS) 15) Put things up on my wall. 16) Get Karen's aunt's email id. ASAP. And Apologise. 17) Recall the other things to do pronto.
1) FOOTWEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2) Public Ad books 3) Bag 4) Fab India salwars - black and white. 5) Pair of jeans 6) A dozen hair bands 7) Timex Expedition 8) Sony Vaio 12:36 p.m. - 2008-06-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Love you My mornings are dull without you. I don't indulge in silly laughter, I don't get to hear Ay oh-oh ya. I am not tickled by effervescent humour and sweet, sweet love. Miss you Tony, miss you Angela. :( 11:51 a.m. - 2008-06-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- No more ME I have a new ambition in life from today on. Selfless is how I want to be rememebered as. Must forget the word 'Me.' Will give no other person in the world the chance to accuse me of troubling them. Not mom and Feroze even, I will take all kinds of crap. I will forget myself. I don't belong to myself, will give people whatever they want. I have long forgotten what I want in life, it should be easy to forget other things as well. Will forget myself. P.S: I will spare my virginity, it does not belong to me. 11:34 a.m. - 2008-06-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Short Great. I am enjoying my classes and I am still serious about them. Sad couldn't see my sweeeeeeeeeetheart yesterday. I don't want to hate Sapna. 10:11 p.m. - 2008-06-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gross but true I thought my tears have dried up. I thought nothing can make me cry anymore, but I cried last night, for over an hour. He does not share anything with me, that makes me someone so unimportant, someone distant to him, that hurt. That badly hurt. But that's okay, as it suits him. Couldn't get out of bed this morning. Heavy, terrible bleeding. It was painful. Difficult to endure. I know I am bleeding so much because I am not taking proper food. I am being foolish. It's not about dieting. I just don't feel like eating. I am not dieting. But this is tough. I will eat, only to control this bleeding. I remained in bed for 30 mins, dreading to get up to a heavy sudden flow. But then, it's something that has to happen. And besides that, a terrible headache. The left side of my head was almost breaking into two. Bleeding and headache... not a good combo. Each time I get fazed by my profuse bleeding, I think of the time that should be more painful. Pregnancy. I think of everything, of the expanding hips, of the baby coming out, of the heavy, heavy, heavy flow after that.... and that makes me feel so good. I see myself smile. The thought of my baby coming into the world makes me smile and none of that scares me. In fact, that's negligible pain in comparison to what God would be gifting me with. Things seem easy and this heavy flow seems so miniscule... of course it is not miniscule. It hurts. But as long as Diaryland is here to listen to me, I am okay. 9:54 a.m. - 2008-06-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't deserve....... Maybe its my fault. I don't make him comfortable enough to share anything with me. Maybe he thinks I am too silly and too stupid to understand what's bothering him. Maybe I am not all that important. Maybe I am good only for talking on the phone and hanging out. Maybe I am not worth being close to him. Maybe I don't deserve to know what he is going through. Maybe I don't deserve him. 9:50 a.m. - 2008-06-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Good start It was good. I hope my depression stays away for as long as I am into this. All I can do is keep myself busy. Good first class. Good crowd too, all committed and serious. 9:43 a.m. - 2008-06-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mission Possible The last person I am doing this for is myself. I am a loser, the most recent thing I have lost is the right to make decisions for myself. I have made many and lost on them. This one is for the people I love the most, and for me as well, I love myself. This is for mom and dad. This is for my granny amma. This is for all those people who believe in me. And it is also for the guy I so love, the one who has brought me lot of happiness, the sweetest one. I don't want to think of failure. All I think of is to be sincere, give my 100 percent. I am not thinking about the result, no matter what the result be, I promise you all and promise myself that the day I know the results, there will not be any scope for even a speck of regret. I will show you all that I did try. That I don't want to be a loser, that I am not a born loser and most of all..... that I love you people very very very much. I love you all. VERY MUCH. Wish me good luck!!!! 5:39 p.m. - 2008-06-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sony Vaio's coming This is not working. Diaryland is irritating me now, why do they keep it when they can't run it! I can't keep a personal diary- there's nothing you can call 'personal' when you are living with your parents and a brother like mine. I always had the laptop with me until last month which made it convenient for me to make entries, regular and multiple. I feel handicapped when I want to make an entry and I can't. There are always things I want to write and it relieves me when I put my joy, misery, apprehensions etc. in words. I must get a new laptop, it does not seem like an easy thing to do considering my doubts on remaining employed for long. My laptop was my best friend. My best friend's gone :( I want a new best friend now. I feel very lonely without my laptop. I have come to realise something that seems so true. Your bestest friends can only be inanimate objects because they have no choice but to understand you, they are not judgemental, they are always there for you (they are never busy) and they never ask you to shut up or stop you from saying something. Get a lappie Bannu. 4:48 p.m. - 2008-06-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- IGNORE Its sweet how he does it. He makes me happy. He surprises me. Those nice little things he says make me so happy. It's true I don't know him inside out, and that makes me wonder how he would react to certain situations. Despite that, I am very sure of something about him - he is sweet, very sweet. I was the happiest last night to see "Mon Cher calling..." on my phone. All those sick people at the concert blew my fuse off. They were so damn irritating. Ugh. Crowds at tennis matches are more well behaved and this is supposed to be a concert! This city does not deserve something as subtly beautiful as this. Not all are bad of course, I was glad to see one young chap truly engrossed and almost in trance of that music. Morning was strange. Waking up to great weather can make me either too happy or too sad. It gave me acute depression this morning. It came with the second thought that rushed to my mind immediately after I opened my eyes. The first thought is always about him. The second - my mornings are not going to be the same from tomorrow. I have a mission in front of me and I cannot dare to think of losing it. Years of unreasonable acute depression has helped me master the art of ignorning depression, something not many people can do. It's simple though - Get out of the bed immediately and go kiss your mom. What is Feroze's problem? Why does he hate me so much? I missed him over the last few days and was so happy to see him at home this morning. He always shocks me with his behaviour and he did it once again this morning. Why don't I ever learn. I must ignore him. Dad's not talking. I am sorry dad I hurt you so much, trust me, I am doing nothing wrong. Don't say those things mom, you kill me. 4:17 p.m. - 2008-06-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My dad's not funny and that's not a joke "Roaming on the roads and spending time at various joints till 9 is not good untill and unless it is official. You have grown up. I need not tell you. Committing mistakes will have serious issues." Roaming on roads is fun, great fun, yet I don't do it. These roads are not worth roaming on. Spending time at joints till 9 was never to wile time away. Official or informal, I never went hanging around joints without knowing if its something I should or should not do. I understand dad's concerns and there cannot be any contention. It is not fair indeed - staying away from home until late in the evening. It's not something I am comfortable doing, but I do it and I seem to be doing without a conscience, but I love spending time with him, how do I make sense of that. It hurt when he did that gig. It was very insulting. How could he do that? He said he was sorry and he now understands, I wish he does. This is why I wish he had a sister. I truly wish he had a sister. I think he spoke too much, that question-answer game was beautiful but it's not all true, or maybe he does not want it all to be true. I know why he did not call back. He did not call back because he was upset he spoke too much already. "I wont be okay without her, I will be happy with her" etc. These are things he would not say and he is not comfortable saying, and he realised that only after he had said those things. But I think he does not have a reason to run away from me. I am quite an understanding person and though I know he wasn't completely true... though I know he regretted whatever he said, though he just went with the flow, I understand I am not very good for me and he knows too that I may not be good for him. Don't worry, I will not blackmail you on these words. Will never blackmail or embarass you. I did mean each one of the words I said. If wishing for his happiness and his happiness alone is selfless, then selfless I am and if selflessness sounds artificial, its not my fault. Btw, I am increasingly feeling guilty of having ruined our beautiful holiday. My mood swings must have irritated him. I can be truly irritating sometimes, but that's not how I want to be. I don't like spoiling anyone's time and this is a guy I like so so so much. :( :( :( I want to take another holiday with him now and make up for the lost time. :( 1:34 p.m. - 2008-06-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He is not all bad... only not all there - Nooruddin Uncle I made a horrible entry on this guy in my phone blog. I remember him as someone who was the rudest to me as a kid. He insulted me more times than I remember. I always thought he is unfit to be human. I hated Nooruddin Uncle, but I did not seem to remember any bit of that today at his birthday party because he smiled at me and thanked me for the gift I had given him. One smile and a pleasant inquiry, that's all it takes to transform my worst enemies to friends. I love loving people and wishing the best for them, it makes me happy and it hurts me when my psyche hates someone because that's a lot of energy loss. I wish I don't ever have to hate anyone in life. If not being nice, I wish no one annoys and disappoints me. Happy birthday Nooruddin uncle, I think I understand you. I like you, you are family. Lunch was great with family and it goes without saying that I missed him, very much. I wished he was with me, having lunch with my family and me, but that's okay. 1:10 p.m. - 2008-06-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two great calls I stayed away from Diaryland for two reasons. Diaryland is acting up and I can't write when my mind has too many things on it. Last night was ridiculous. He minded something I said so casually and everything I say seems to be casual? I don't know what he means. It's when he does things like these and says things like these that I wonder if he likes me at all. But I know it was my fault as well. I should not have been judgmental. It's true I know nothing about their relationship and his ex. But I am angry. And no one can understand my anger, I am sure no one can. I refer to the woman as bitch in my mind. I am angry! But that's okay. It's the not the first time that I am dealing with an unreasonable anger. There are many things I am angry about apart from the obvious ones. Things must change. It was sweet of him to call back. That call meant more than Kamal Hasan's. Somethings leave me with so much happiness, though momentary, happiness frees me from the depression of doing nothing worthwhile. I watched my favourite star's movie in the morning. All I did was admire him and congratulate him for what he has made of himself. And by evening, I got the chance to say that in person. The person I have been admiring for over six years now, called me back to thank me for my admiration I have for him. That's beautiful. Life's fun. I still have Sanjay Dutt, Tony Danza, Jeffrey Sachs and Goran Ivanisevic to meet. The postcards are still not posted, I should post them asap. Samar must read the card, esp. "I have moved on, hope you do too," part. For someone who always avoided talking about it, Dad is talking too much of my marriage. Those little things he says during breakfast aren't a bit scary but are irritating. It's true I wanted to get married until recently, but that's no good, it's only wishful thinking- the things I had thought. 2:24 p.m. - 2008-06-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fuck! Lol. Im glad I see it as LOL. It wasn't an LOL moment when I heard Hadn't he laughed it off and helped me do the same, I would have been so terribly depressed for a minimum of 4 days, feeling hell dirty. I still feel dirty, having done something I never thought I would do but did it nevertheless. This must stop. This is not the kind of relationship I dreamt of. This must change. 2:16 p.m. - 2008-06-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Insane I can't belive this. How can talking to someone whom I have known for a vry short time and know very little about make me feel incredibly good and Well-behaved, chivalrous almost and This is strange. I should not trust my inner feelings anymore. They are scary. I see the beginning of something, I must see to it that it does not begin. 9:26 p.m. - 2008-05-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some people never learn. I lead them by example. Of the kinds of human beings on earth, the hopeless of all is the one kind that has a never dying hope. I belong to that kind. I never seem to learn. A new course got me all excited once again. But I know this wont work. It just wont. Coz the last date for application submission is only 7 days away and so many damn formalities and btw, it's a course for mid-career leading professionals. LOL. Maybe I should not apply at all, but then, there's no application fee, no courier costs involved, no GRE or Toefl score required. Why not give it a shot and forget it. Just forget it. I will do that. I don't believe in dreams coming true anymore. I sure am proud of one thing about myself. I truly am. I so would love to see myself realise my dreams. Im proud I dream and I am glad I still believe I am worthy of dreaming. 11:22 p.m. - 2008-05-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gone and back I know, it's been long since I wrote. In addition to a string of disappointments, the weather played a greater part in making me feel all the more miserable. It's so damn hot. So much so that I found it difficult to sit in front of the PC and be patient enough to document my feelings, in a room without an AC. There's only one room (at home) with AC and my entire clan lives in that one room. I can't write in the presence of people who are judgemental about my every thing, I think they judge my breathing too. maybe they think I inhale too much and exhale too little when I am supposed to be doing it the other way round, their way.. Past few days have been weird. Euroculture sends an email showing me on ten position on the waiting list and making it very clear that nothing will come out of it. HOw crazy can I be. I lived the past few months thinking I would be in Europe soon. Went shopping as well!!! Blew money up!! I am a mad bitch. Lol. I dream so much. I am confused. I can't go on being someone so unimportant which is why dad's option got me interested. Prepare for civil services. It does not seem so hopeless, I see people who have done it, people who are like me in more ways than one. Maybe I can give it a try. But what about my dreams. Oh I hate these crossroads in life. They are confusing and you are damned if you don't know your path. I know I cannot waste one more year. I wish I act wise enough. Thanks to Sapna and my work, the only factors that help me realise I am still alive. 10:51 p.m. - 2008-05-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Loser for the 100th time Okay, so its officially confirmed now. I haven't got through any of these Erasmus Mundus scholarships, that's as true as the hope that has died in me and broken my heart. I feel no pain, no disappointment, no depression. I feel nothing. I am numb. I am tired of all these feelings. But there is one feeling that still lurks. Fear. I dread to think of my life. What will be of me? Won't any of my dreams of a good education and a dream job ever come true? Will my life go wasted? Am I not worthy of anything? Or am I just too damned? Euroculture put me on waiting list. Global Studies too put me on waiting list. And Journalism did not select me at all. All three courses have confirmed their list of students, I figure nowhere. It feels like I was almost there, but of no good. I am where I was last year. I hate to think I will still be here next year. I am no good. A bloody fucking loser. A loser with dreams. 9:36 p.m. - 2008-05-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Not anymore please I never told you this. I could never dared to. I am saying it now. Because I must. You are a bloody fucker Samar. I am sorry about that. I know you were my best friend. I know you were nice to me. I know you are a nice guy. I know everything. But I could never see what you were doing to me. You were ruling over me. You do all the nasty things and you make me feel guilty about it Samar. You are such a slimy guy. The slimiest I have ever met. Amazing how you could do it. You knew I did not love you. You made me love you with all those stupid words. You knew I don’t want to marry you. You made me promise I would. You knew I was not happy with you. You cheated me into believing I was. And what are you trying to do now! You are so damn dangerous Samar. But you know what. I won’t let you do that to me anymore. None of your blackmails will ever work. You say you will die for me. I say – go die. I don’t care anymore and you know why. Heck you wasted so much of me. I should have known. It’s never too late. If you die, it would be only because you are stubborn not for any damned love. Love! Christ… Why did God do this to me. Why did he bring you into my already sad life. Tell you what. I am starting a new life. I am not stupid anymore. I won’t cry anymore. I won’t plead you to forget me anymore. I won’t beg you to take care yourself anymore. To hell with you Samar. If you want to die. You may. You have had too much of me already. More than you deserve. But I will pray you remain happy and safe. I hate regrets, I don’t regret meeting you. It’s goodbye. I am getting lost for a few days. Only to say goodbye to you. You did not let me dump your letters in Krishna, I am going to do it this time. And it’s goodbye forever. You wouldn’t even be on my mind anymore. It’s goodbye for life. Sorry. I can’t take any of it anymore. Watch me live my life as I want to. Watch all of my dreams come true. NOT ONE OF THEM INVOLVING YOU. I never thought I’d change my opinion again But you moved me in a way that I’ve never known You moved me in a way that I’ve never known But straight away you just moved into position again You abused me in a way that I’ve never known You abused me in a way that I’ve never known So break me shake me hate me take me over When the madness stops then you will be alone Just break me shake me hate me take me over When the madness stops then you will be alone So you’re the kind that deals with the games in the mind Well you confuse me in a way that I’ve never known You confuse me in a way that I’ve never known So break me shake me hate me take me over When the madness stops then you will be alone So won’t you break me shake me hate me take me over When the madness stops then you will be alone 3:47 a.m. - 2008-05-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Espresso…. An espresso drinker! That’s so impressive, in fact, that’s probably the most impressive thing about an Indian guy. It’s true I love coffee but I am not a real coffee drinker. I can’t have espresso, I remember taking my first sip of the espresso when with Laura at Coffee Day and could not take another sip. It takes a real coffee drinker to have espresso like he does. He is a real coffee drinker and that makes him really intelligent. He is quick-witted, intelligent and his language gives me so much complex, I bloody mutter and mumble out of nervousness. None of my intelligent international friends have impressed me as much as this guy. I should meet him over coffee more often. 12:47 p.m. - 2008-05-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That's okay... I would love to work for a think-tank. Let's see where I end up. I am not so disheartened with MA Global Studies results, because they just chose one Indian who is a professor. Who must be atleast 15 years elder to me. That says something about this selections. First of all, I am convinced that they have not chosen any Indian besides that Prof. None of my age, which means, I am not worse than anyone. And I am sure I am smarter than that professor was at 22. I have no reason to be sad. Scholarships don't get you into think tanks, brains and passion does, I have the passion, I must be having the brains too as far as I know... It's okay. Let's see where I end up. I won't end up as a loser, that's for sure. I still see a lot of promise and confidence in me and respect for myself. I will not be existing from the very day I lose them. 5:52 p.m. - 2008-05-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So, I am a prostitute once again... "Like one of the girls from an agency, who get paid to entertain men by going out with them." It's a subtler way of saying "like a prostitute." Those words come from my mom. I met a guy over coffee.. it's been three meetings in three months, the last two have been in two weeks. This guy is a friend and a good conversationalist, a gentleman and a good human being. Meeting him convinces my mom enough that I am no better than a prostitute. You always did it mom, made me feel terrible about myself, and for nothing. Thank you, you make me realise that I can't stay in my home any longer. You make me want to run away. Thank you so much, I will run away. I want to run away. You kill me with all those words of yours. You just kill me. 5:45 p.m. - 2008-05-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I hear something from the TV behind me I am writing this as I hear sounds from the TV behind me. My brother is watching a very depressingly sad, but true to life movie. I can feel my heart shrinking anticipating that most painful moment that is to come, the climax of the movie. I know it's only a movie, but I dread it. It breaks my heart, the death of a human being, the death of a brother, the death of a mother, the crumbling of a sister/daughter's world... or anyone's world.... It's not just a movie... Militants exist, their stories must be similar to this. It is similar to this. They are someone's sons, brothers, lovers... death..... it's so painful when it is not ours. Stranger or loved one, we all belong to someone, our hearts are connected... we are all attached with strings we don't see, some thick, some thin. And when a heart dies, the connections start breaking... and it hurts, so bad. It's not true when they say no one is really gone, everyone lives on in memories. Yes, memories are always there, but when your ears crave to hear someone's voice, when your eyes cant wait to see someone smile and when you want to hug someone who is never there... can never be there... it's not like they are there. It's not like they are with you. They are very very far. And that distance hurts. I dread that pain. 11:18 p.m. - 2008-05-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Another year's time I dread to think of the next few months of my life. What would I be doing? .... True, I would still be doing what I have been doing all the while and that's not what I want to do. I know why I don't get scholarships, because I am desperate for them. They put me on waiting list saying, don't expect to get selected, why the fuck have something like waiting list then? Let me face it. I am sick. But I am not giving up yet. I will try one more time this year. And if I see no reason to be happy with myself by the end of the year, I will cease to exist. I will breathe, eat, sleep... but will cease to exist as myself. 3:34 p.m. - 2008-05-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A missing heart I must get out of here. I can't stay here anymore. I hate this place. I hate my space. I hate whoever I have become and I hate whatever I am doing. And I hate this bloody time. I hate being here. Why do my parents make me feel so miserable. Dad won't let me take a holiday.. tell you what. I don't care anymore. I don't have a heart anymore.. not atleast as long as I am not allowed to be myself. 2:07 p.m. - 2008-05-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That's it Ugh! How on earth did I mistake his number to be Asha's! It's such a pain talking to him. I don't want to think about it anymore. Ugh... the very thought of him makes me feel sick. I hate Jawid. But I truly don't hate Samar. And I just can't love him any better than liking a real-good friend. Samar isn't a good friend. He cannot be. He never can. He is not talking to me because he knows there's no use. He is a selfish human being who wanted me to be his wife, bear his kids and listen to his talks all this time and admire him and let him admire my stupid talk. That's unfair Samar, that's being selfish. Any friend who does not let me be what I am and how I want to be, anyone who does not understand me, is hardly a friend. But I don't hate you Samar, I never can because I am always thankful to you for having taken care of me when and not forcing me into anything. It was nice of you. I am tired and hungry now. 1:45 p.m. - 2008-05-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Faking smartness and intelligence What a rollercoaster of emotions! There were the ground-thrashing lows and also the soaring highs. It was insane. And it has all got to do with my job which I hardly consider any job at all. I don't work hard for sure, but then, it's because this job does not require my hard work. It's just not worth it. No matter how much I scorn it, I need this job, it's the only saving grace from making me feel like a terrible waste of human life. I am alive as long as I have somewhere to go to. I woke up last morning feeling so awfully sick of myself. "Only a huge mass on earth," is exactly how I felt about myself. Terribly depressed and all because of a stupid centrespread that did not materialise. But then, looking at it, it's hardly any deal! Who the heck even bothers about the god-damned centrespread! It's time I realise, there's never a crisis, never really a crisis. I am astonished at how seriously I take my work, even if it's not what I am happy doing. And besides, I am a smart, intelligent woman... lol, yeah... someone who could not get a stupid scholarship, someone who is doing a stupid job and someone who is still living with her parents. I am smart and intelligent indeed. LOL. 1:21 p.m. - 2008-05-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why am I not happy? I am trying so hard to be.... 11:07 a.m. - 2008-05-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks God for my ugliness... Sour grapes? Lol, no. Ugh! I am not good looking, maybe I am ugly looking. I am happy I am what I am. Because when a guy says he loves me… I can be sure, it’s not for my looks. I am not wealthy. I am glad I am not. Because when a guy says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, I can be sure, it’s not for my wealth. I am stupid. I am glad I am stupid. Because when a guy says he loves me, it’s not for my brains. If a guy loves me, it must be for my heart, because that’s the only genuine thing about me. None of those who have said I love you to me ever loved me for what I am. But there can still be some pathetic ones who would surprise you with what they have on mind. “I love you because I can be proud of you, you are good to show off.” – Selfish “I love you because you are not good looking. Then I won’t be jealous of other men looking at you.” - Loser What bloody losers I went out with, that makes me the bloodiest loser ever. UGH! It’s not for nothing I hate myself. But that’s okay. These guys are good con men though. 4:56 p.m. - 2008-05-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A holiday for me :( How can people look at me and not realize I need a holiday? This hurts. The people I spend all of my time with don’t know what would make me really, really, really happy. A holiday! I need a holiday and I will take one, come what may. COME WHAT MAY. I am going, going to get a new life… a new life in many ways. I am not sure where I want to go but I am sure who I am going with. Sapna – She is the only one around who does not annoy me so much. Lol, dad thinks I should take a holiday but with family, with mom, Feroze and him!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL. I would never go with them ‘coz if I do, I will come back as one heck of a bitch. They don’t make me happy, in fact they make me miserable, don’t do this, don’t go there, how can you laugh so loud and fucking behave yourself? That’s all they have to tell me on a holiday! I am not going with them. Basir wants to go on a holiday with me. What a bloody joke! This guy calls me his best friend and does not call me for two fucking days because Nesar the fucker has warned him not to. And besides, I can’t afford to sponsor someone a trip. I would rather take two holidays. I wish he realises he is not the kind of a guy I would want to be on a holiday with. What a loser you are Basir. I like you very much indeed and that's because you are a gentle soul. Now I know what losers souls as gentle as yours can be. You let the fucker sleep with you! I am sorry but I think you seriously need to grow up. I still have my doubts. How on earth can you sleep hugging a guy! Ugh. These guys are complicated. A HOLIDAY is all that I want. Seriously…. 4:38 p.m. - 2008-05-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I need a break I so seriously wish to break free. Sometimes it gets so difficult to go on, to continue doing the same things over and over again. I am sick of the inertia of my life. Give me a break. I need a break. A good break... a real good, cool, delicious, exciting break. 3:36 p.m. - 2008-05-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Come back... It's beautiful to dream. Dreams are hopes of a new tomorrow. I dreamt a lot about my tomorrow. It was perhaps not a good thing to do. My heart would have been saved of these tears if only I did not dream. Each morning I woke up, I saw a reason to smile. And the reason was hope. Hope to live a life of my dreams. Hope to see things my eyes crave to see. To hear sounds my ears cant wait to hear. To learn things the world needs me to learn. To make myself worthy of every moment of this time called life. To be a someone in this world.. A someone of my dreams. I woke up today and the dream is lost, the hope is not there. I don't know if it ever will come back. It has taken that smile away with it. That smile of mine that came to me every morning, even before my eyes opened. The smile that made each of my days better, brighter and more livable, wasn't there. I don't know if that will ever come back too. I know it hurts to smile when your heart's crying. I experienced that pain many times. But today it was more painful than ever. Because today I did not let my tears comfort me. I did not cry. I did not let my heart wail. I did not break down. But who could stop my heart. It cried. And cried... lamenting the breaking of a dream, the disappearance of a hope. And to smile... hurt. It hurt very much because I had to smile a lot. I always smiled a lot, today could not be different. It's not a great thought, but it's true.. I don't deserve a scholarship. I don't deserve being a war journalist. I could not convince people of being someone useful to society. Reading the newspaper today wasn't like yesterday. I read about the scarcity of food in Cambodia, the growing prices and the non-affordability of rice. I could not think of myself as that someone who can solve this problem... I could have yesterday, but not today... I had hope yesterday. Hope's disappeared, gone somewhere, maybe it's gone fishing... like Thoreau. I want it to come back and come back soon. My heart is weak without hope. 11:52 p.m. - 2008-05-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ERASMUS MUNDUS I FAILED... I WILL NOT GIVE UP... 11:27 p.m. - 2008-04-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I heard them talk in the middle of the night... Narender. A 24 year old guy. High School pass. Wanted to be a police constable. He had to run 5 kilometres non-stop to be selected as a police constable. He ran. After 3 kilometres, he collapsed. He died running. He was married. Had two kids. He wanted to support them with a job. He kept running and when he stopped... HE DIED. Mom, dad and I were very touched and very moved with this news. My heart sunk. It's perhaps the most terrible, most unfortunate thing I heard in a long time. It was late night. I sleep in my parents bedroom these days, for the AC. I could hear my parents talking. They were talking about Narender. My dad said, the police academy should be sued. Bloody Bastards. My mom asked, "Why don't you sue them." My dad said, "I can, but I will have to leave my job and keep going round and round the court." I love you Pappa and Ammi for just thinking about him, late in the night, for talking about a gone soul, the soul of a stranger. For being agitated with his death. For thinking about his family, his wife and his kids. For empathising. For wanting to help him. I understand it's not in our capacity to help him. Someday we will. Someday I hope we will be able to help hundreds of these poor, innocent people who have to face injustice everyday. Be supportive, be a voice to these people who have to challenge life everyday and yet hardly win... I hope You and I can do it someday with our newspaper. I am what you have made me. Thank you for making me a journalist. Love you Ammi, Pappa. 3:30 p.m. - 2008-04-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Busy? Me? How? Boy! Is this how being busy feels. Lol. I have been busy, very busy this week. And amazingly, I have been busy with nothing almost. Of course, I make the paper better. But at what cost, it does not really cost me as much time as I am giving it. What is it that is keeping me busy! I wish I knew. Lol. I haven't read much of the Bolivian Diary which is a shame. I am not watching enough TV these days, which means not much of my sweetheart Tony, haven't watched any movies on Zee Studio, not much of Travel and Living.. actually nothing of Travel and Living. Heck, I am sleeping a lot. 8 hours of sleep.. it's a shame!! I must sleep lesser. But I dread to think what will be of me if I take up that Hindu job, if they give me that is. My freedom will all be gone. All I will be doing is work, work and sad work. It would be another Business Standard. I am scared. Life's tough! Am I spending my time, my life away in chatting and messaging, like mom says? No way, I don't chat even quarter as much as I once used to. No more Rob or Matthew. Not many people on Gmail either. Hell! What is keeping me busy! It's the same story week after week. But I can't imagine the same running around for day after day... God, take me away from here. Give me that damned scholarship! Please!!! 3:23 p.m. - 2008-04-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I want rain Want to sit on the beach, listen to the roar of the waves with the wind running through my hair. I want rain, so no one can recognize the tears running down my face. I miss the people who aren’t around anymore. I am sorry for the people I have hurt in my life. I am sorry for those who are suffering for no fault of theirs. I am sorry I cant help anyone of you. Let it rain. 2:10 p.m. - 2008-04-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Funny Beginning Thanks to Farid... I started my book. That sounds funny because I don't think I can ever write a book. I have started now, Im sure it will end soon. I hate what I write. I can't make a writer of me. 8:05 p.m. - 2008-04-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Misery Guts! 45 degrees. Heavy Bleeding. Sleepless nights. Loads of work. It's tough being a woman in summer! Man I complain so much. I disappoint myself. My life’s all about complaints. No space, no dreams coming true. What the fuck Bannu… why do you have to complain so much. Look around you, okay, you have only few people in life, but aren’t they the most wonderful people? Okay, maybe they are not, but aren’t you glad you have them? Maybe I do. I should stop complaining. I don’t want a change in my life anymore. I want a change in me. I want to change. I want to stop complaining. For once and for all. I want to learn to be happy. I wish I could take my brain out of my head, give it a nice wash and put it back in there. Lol. Stupid me! But I honestly think I should start doing two things from now on. Stop complaining Start Apprecitating Life, no matter how it is, it is 100001 times better than many other lives. Love yourself Bannu. 5:33 p.m. - 2008-04-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sad Life? What a sad life ya… some five people in my life, same old things to do. Nothing interesting. No learning the guitar. No going fishing. No going to a late night movie. No having late night ice cream. No taking part in international conferences. No biking early morning. No going on a holiday. No talking about Jeffrey Sachs. No mural painting. No protesting for Tibet. No trekking in the mountains. No kissing anyone. Sad life but my life, no other person will live it for me.. I will have to live it myself. I better do it with a smile on my face.. my sad looking face. LOL. 8:51 p.m. - 2008-04-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My coffee Ridiculous.. I am loving having coffee alone.. I m okay without people... No Basir and no Sapna... just me. Just two friends in the city...............sad life. 8:39 p.m. - 2008-04-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Another Sunday Not a bad Sunday, but not my kinds entirely. Summer is scary. It's terribly hot. I wish dad get's that extra AC fixed in my room , but then, that's too much of a headache, and what if puts me off to sleep! Lol. I need to be lonely to be myself. But no point being lonely and not doing what I want to do. I am so glad I have people in my life. Few but I do! Sapna is such a huge part, thank you so much for all the laughs ... All this time at Coffee Day is great but it's a lot of flab, a lot of calories and good deal of money too... I have no issues spending away my money, but when I don't have much.. it's being foolish. I so hate to ask dad to lend me some at the end of every month. Why can't I manage my finances, why am I left with an empty pocket at the end of every month. IT HAPPENS EVERY MONTH!! And it's such a shame, I earn a great deal... too much to spend away... I am terrible. I will see to it that this does not happen next month.. I love my dad and he has no issues lending me money, but it's just so pitiable and truly shameful to borrow! uff.. I must LEARN to save up some for the last week of every month! Silly me.. this scholarship fever is making me insane!! I almost look at things like " I am going to miss this when I am gone.. when I am away" NONSENSE, I am absolutely tooo much! 8:28 p.m. - 2008-04-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Desperate? Nah... It's true I so need this scholarship. When applying for it, I wondered if I deserve it. I am not working for a great paper, it's not any close to true journalism, whatever I am doing, so it's understandable that I probably don't deserve this scholarship. But giving it a thought... I am not all that bad, in fact, I am quite deserving of this scholarship. I topped the INDIAN Insti! Which is a big deal! I started off at age 18! And with THE HINDU.. that's the biggest deal! Hello? Excuse me, I am a big shot! Of course I left the last year, the entire last year to wind, I am not all that bad ya! I am very deserving... give me the scholarship now. :( Bannu darling deserves it. And who would make the best of it? Me! Me! Me! I would put in my heart, soul, what not! and see to it that I am there, in the battle field with the soldiers, documenting the war! I wish there's no war in the world, but if there is, let me cover it in such a way that there be no other war in the world... lol, no lol, I am serious.. I will do a great job, won't I! I wish I don't go mad.. but it's inevitable, I will go mad of happiness if I get it, and go mad of depression if I don't. 7:32 p.m. - 2008-04-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Uff... EGO. Small word, but very problematic. Root of all troubles in the world. Get Rid of it. 10:18 a.m. - 2008-04-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Samar It's been so many days since Samar called. I know he is not calling me because I am using the number Jawid gave me. I am glad Samar is not calling me. He wastes so much money calling me and then he talks many things I don't want to listen... It's true I am worried about him, but I know he can take care of himself. Wherever he is, I wish he is fine, healthy and happy. 10:15 a.m. - 2008-04-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sorry Sometimes, knowingly or unknowingly, we hurt the people we love the most. And that hurts us more than it hurts them, because we don't want to se our loved ones get hurt, sad or depressed. 10:13 a.m. - 2008-04-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Let things pass! Thank God! I am still young for PMS. The horrible monthly thing started this morning... and I wasn't acting weird last evening or yesterday even. All this tension and apprehensions have not made me old.. NO PMS!! Heck I am still young! I can take things easy... lol... I was almost worrying myself thinking of breast cancer! I must accept it. I am still too young to be a middle-aged professional... ((((22!!!)))) Long Way to go ya!! Chill Out. Live Your Life Bannu darling............. I want that scholarship man! So badly!! 11:01 p.m. - 2008-04-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I love you Saira She was my best friend. My cousin. She played with me when all the others were busy or thought I was not the least important. She made me laugh with her silly jokes. We shared our mangoes and our potato fried. We rode the bicycle together. AND WE WERE BOTH VERY FAT. She was fatter than me. I loved her because she was lovable. She is with a guy today, a guy she says she loves. She has a baby now, her baby, a baby she has given birth to, a baby I want to hold in my hands. She has new people in her life but she is still lonely, lonelier than she has ever been. Even with a mom, dad, brother and a sister she never felt at home and she is still a stranger in a home of her own. She is lost, as always and she is waiting for someone to place their hand on her shoulder, like always and like always, there's no body to make her feel loved. There's no one to love her. I might have never told you Saira but I always loved you, even when you ridiculed me, even when you said I am ugly looking, even when you said I don't deserve certain things in life, even when you said I am immoral. I always loved you for what you are and for fighting those things in life that would have shattered me. You are still standing there, strong, helpless but strong. I know you wont give up, because you never did. I will always be there for you. Please give me a call. I can't wait to hold your baby in my hands. 10:51 p.m. - 2008-04-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Farid This guy makes so much sense... it's surprising... he's Afghan!!! 12:26 p.m. - 2008-04-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Princess of 10 minutes, Queen of two inches I have always taught myself to be happy and content with what i have and never ask for more. Never complain of how little I have but be thankful that I have some... something I really cherish. It was a beautiful morning. With beauty all around. Lush green trees, strange new birds, vast land and my sweetheart beside me. Sitting there under the bright blue sky, with breeze flowing through for a moment, I could hear Mozart's music, the sound of the violin in my ears... and the dream that I see each time I listen to the violin... the dream felt true! Each time I hear someone play the violin, the cello or the clarinet, I close my eyes and I see a dream... I see everything blue.. a blue night.. I see myself in a big boat on a river with a castle on its bank and with me, I see a handsome Prince.. and I see the both of us sailing away to a new morning. That's what I see when I listen to the flowing music.. Western Classical.. 11:46 a.m. - 2008-04-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How true!! This is someone else's diary entry!! From the diary of brulelettre.....
Yet there is a strange satisfaction. It fools one into believing that you've said your piece. Perhaps that's all I'm desperate for; 8:43 p.m. - 2008-04-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Don't worry about them... they'll be fine, even without you.. its true. S: "Did you ever throw people out of your life" M: "Yes" S: "Was it tough?" M: "Very, because they're my best friends and my lovers. I truly loved them. It was tough ignoring them." S: "But you did it?" M: "Yes. I gave them a lot of time, too many chances. I was desperate to bear it all. I wanted them all in my life. I wanted to be there. But... they did not deserve to be in my life because they gave me pain. I gave them love, they gave me pain," S: "Who is the first person you ignored." M: "My best friend of four years. Santhi. I loved her, but she always showed her jealousy. I tried to keep her happy. She always, always , always said terrible things. To hell with her jealousy! Friendship and jealousy!!! How can tht be, when there's friendship, there's no jealosy. When there is jealousy, there's no friendship! I wasn't jealous of her when she was about to get married with a very very sweet guy.. I was happy for her. Can't people be happy for each other!!!!" S: "Who else did you ignore?" M: "An Afghan boyfriend. He was a bloody dirty fucker, an animal. He deserved much more. I happily dumped him into the trash can. To hell with him. No place for animals and fuckers in my world." S: "And?" M: " I had to ignore Samar. I like him very much. I don't want to ignore him. But I have to. I wish we never met." S: "Do you hate all these people?" M: "NEVER. They are all God's creations. Each one has its own beauty. They could be nasty with me but they are all wonderful people. All three of them. I am still nice, kind and friendly to them, just that they have lost the most important positions in my life. I am sorry for them. But they all still have my respect. Even the guy I call fucker. I respect him a liiiiiiiiitttttttttttlllllllllleeeeeeee bit." S: "You are a sweetheart Mubin. A very smart woman I must say." M: "So are you. So, did you dump anyone?" S: "Yes. The man I loved the most. My husband." M: "Do you regret?" S: "No way. He's a bloody loser too. A fucker too. Does not deserve me." :) DON'T EVER WORRY ABOUT THE PEOPLE IN YOUR PAST. THERE IS A REASON WHY THEY DID NOT MAKE IT TO YOUR FUTURE. 8:19 p.m. - 2008-04-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Happy Birthday Tony!!! Can't believe this. Can't believe I am writing this entry a day after his birthday. I was so damn excited when I got Tony's postal address. I could not wait to go to Fab India and buy him the best kurta ever. A plain white lucknow chiken kurta. I worked out my finances and tried to assess his chest size all the while watching Who's The Boss. I knew I had to do it. I also got my letter ready. All this by April 1st and I wished April 23 would come soon so Tony would see my present. Tony, the man I love the most, besides the family guys (granpa, papa and ferru),... I could do nothing for his birthday. Low finances. I exhausted all my salary and my savings are all locked up by dad. Im a loser. I could not send anything to the guy I so love. I love Tony for reasons more than one. It's not about his looks. Tony isn't great looking. But it's for his energy, his effervescence, for his spirited heart, for his love for life and for the lovable person that he is. He is star and it is impossible that someone/anyone should not like him. EVERYONE LOVES TONY. I wish I get married to someone just like him. I would be the happiest girl on earth! But the gift is due, I most certainly would send it to him. The first thing I would do after getting the salary, is to send him what I intended to send. A white kurta. Tony would look great in it. Great absolutely! Love you Tony and I am sorry about missing your birthday, I could not make it. Blame it on my money :( I blew it all up. I hope I meet you someday... I like to imagine you cook up an Italian meal for me, his new friend! Ah... dreams! Lol. Long live Tony, in the pink of health, happy as ever. 7:35 p.m. - 2008-04-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Picked Che... It's such a shame, I could not finish reading 'Night Train to Lisbon' and changed it. It's a strange book actually. The blurb said something truly interesting and all that was said in the blurb was covered in the first 50 pages. I don't know what could have been there in the next 300 pages. Atleast the other 50 pages were on things I did not really find any reason why they're written about. It was interesting though. It had all those things I am passionate about and fancy. A sudden train journey to a foreign land... a multi lingual hunk. A strange experience, a detail of Lisbon and many more. But it was tough to go beyond. It's not because of the writing, not completely though. Paul Marceiner did a good job. It must have been just that I was too tired, dog tired all the while. And needed some rest which I just did not have! |